Never mind the weather. It may be cold, it may be dark, but at least we know that Christmas is approaching. And let’s face it, nothing warms the heart like sinking even further into debt just to fulfil our patriotic duty of supporting the retail sector in these troubled economic times.
The downside of all this is the virus of stupidity that infects almost everybody in mid November. Most people assume that yuletide stupidity is something that happens a few weeks later, when people start thinking that ridiculous woolly jumpers are attractive, or that getting blind drunk with your boss is a good idea. That’s not really stupidity though. That’s just a symptom of light deprivation.
This virus infects the parietal lobes at the front of the brain and causes people to say in a loud voice “Christmas gets earlier every year.” It also infects the neck muscles, so a sufferer who hears this moronic catchphrase will start to spasm, causing their head to nod as if in agreement. As if “Christmas gets earlier every year” could possibly be true in any meaningful way.
Now I’m well aware that the phrase doesn’t refer to the Christmas festival itself, which has stuck to the same date since early Christian times. The infectees are babbling about the pre Christmas season, the time of celebration and consumerism we must endure before we get our hands on the turkey.
I’m 32 years old. So my memories go back to the early nineteen eighties, and every single year, the virus struck. People who were absolutely not keeping a close eye on the precise date when shops started putting up ludicrous decorations would announce that it was happening earlier than last year. And everybody would agree.
Now if you aren’t taking note of the date that festive season begins it is clear that the beginning must move significantly before you’ll notice a real change. It would probably have to move by a week or so. So if the idiots are to be believed Christmas now begins approximately twenty eight weeks earlier than it used to. In other words, people used to do their present shopping the following March. This is impossible, as only ministers of finance can engage in that kind of economic time travel.
Even assuming people are capable of instinctively noticing a single day’s change in commercial timing, that means that when I was a child the eagerest Christmas shops only began to hang up the tinsel on the second week of December. That’s also nonsense, as even in the eighties retailers went straight from skeletons to Santa, and began flogging festive crap as soon as the Hallowe’en bonfires went out.
And that’s based on the assumption that the virus only began in my early childhood. But a straw poll of some of my older friends showed clearly that Christmas was beginning earlier in the year since the late sixties. That simply can’t be the case.
Unfortunately, there’s no point trying to reason with people who say this. The virus will not allow them to listen, and they will continue to repeat the assertion loudly and angrily. So instead give them your pity, and simply nod in sympathy. After all, Christmas is a time for tolerating simpletons.
